destination: vancouver 2009

January 2009. Vancouver. The 2nd time around. But this time, I'm armed. I have my neckbreaker on my neck as I brave through the snow-filled, foggy, stealthily slippery city streets. Yes. This is Vancouver in 2009. The first time in 20 years (so I heard) that this province had THIS much snow.

Lifeless. Leafless. Colorless. Sadness. What to do? Grit my teeth. Get out there and brave the literally-freeze-my-hand-and-nose winter wind... and voila! Hmm... it doesn't seem to be so melancholic and lifeless after all...

what if... not?

It's not so much a question of what-if-i-did than what-if-i-didn't. Obviously I already did, and got all my answers... and more. So, what if I didn't? What were the possibilities? the could bes? the could've beens? Much more, between these two, what would've been the better alternative? If I didn't... would I have been better off? What would I have lost and gained? Could what I would've lost and gained be less traumatic?

And so... to reach full recovery, I need to face the answers... of what I did, and the imaginable answers of what I didn't... not berate myself, and live with it.

UnForgiveness

It has always been that person. The one who hurt me. Broke me. The cause of my pain and the change in me. First there was pain, followed by numbness, replaced by self loathing, and then anger, which never left. They say time heals all wounds. True. But time does not erase the scar. Over time, the scar became less visible and eventually, almost unnoticed. But it's there, like the acid in my stomach that is unleashed whenever touched wrongly. When will I resurface from this sea of resentment? Will I?

The head says to forgive... the heart says no. It's like waiting for that AHA moment when every wrong just didn't matter anymore. But it hasn't come yet. It may not come. The acid now is starting to melt the wall of sanity... maybe I need to work at being able to forgive.

Entitlement. The need to see the worthiness, the regret... the reckoning of the debt before forgiveness is possible. Too ensnared to see clearly... maybe that person is me. Maybe that person I need to forgive is me. Maybe... maybe.

Forgiveness

Do you have to work at being able to forgive? Or does it take you by surprise and just come one day? If the other person is contrite, forgiveness becomes a must. However, if the other person is not, does forgiveness become a choice? What if the other person is not aware that he has done something that needs to be forgiven? Is the need to forgive negated? Who decides? The heart or the head? When the head says to forgive, won't the heart just follow? Which one hurts more? not letting go of the pain, or being unable to forgive?